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The BBQ Games

In the month of July, 2015, the federal government is conducting a military exercise in the Southwest region, code-named Jade Helm. Certain Texans are convinced this is an excuse for imposing a government takeover. If this is true, Texas could become a state under the control of the United States government.


The questions being raised by right-wing bloggers and conservative commentators about a Pentagon training exercise called Jade Helm 15 traverse the outer edges of political paranoia…Chuck Norris has also weighed in, questioning, in a commentary on the conservative website WND, “those who are pulling the strings at the top of Jade Helm 15 back in Washington.” Walmart has responded as well, in the other direction — it dismissed rumors that tunnels were being built by the military beneath closed stores, including one in Midland, Tex., as part of a Pentagon-led takeover.

New York Times, May 6, 2015

The resistance leaders surveyed a map of New Texaco. The former states of Texas, New Mexico, Utah, Arizona, and the Burbank Walmart (the one at the Panorama Mall, 8333 Van Nuys Boulevard, actually in Panorama City, not the one on West Empire) now formed the district under federal martial law. The hot sun beat down on the Alamo, as the scruffy band of rebels surveyed the map before them on the Alamo gift shop wall.

“They’re certainly pulling a lot of strings,” said Commander Norris.

“They certainly are,” agreed Also-Commander Gohmert.

The shopgirl walked over and taped up a list over part of the map, obscuring Sector 13, Dalloustonopolistan. The rebels pulled out their bifocals and read it.

Martial Law Rules

Dictates from the White House
for the first week of August

  1. Austin food standards are in effect.
    • All BBQ must be good.
    • All coleslaw must be vegan, unless served with bacon.
  2. Schools must teach facts.
  3. Factories must follow OSHA safety rules.
  4. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is none of your business. Unless they are violating OSHA safety rules.
  5. Fox News viewing is restricted to one hour a day, plus an optional Bill O’Reilly three nights per week not exceeding two hours total Bill.
  6. 25% discount on orders of 2 or more maps of New Texaco or I New Texaco mugs.
  7. Attendance at SXSW is now mandatory.

“Well, rule 1(a) isn’t that bad, but—“

“Dammit, Gohmert! We have to stop this. Stop this now.”

Fort Meade, 10 am.
It was a simple Kwikset® “Tylo” Entry Lock and Single-Sided Deadbolt in Satin Chrome (96900-252), so General Cleveland “Potboiler” Cussler should not have been surprised when the rebels snapped it out cleanly with only a crowbar and an oxidized lithium charge, and yet he was.
“It was open,” he said.

Gohmert sank into the nearest chair but Norris dragged him to his feet to face down the general of the supreme occupation force and together they stared down at him defiantly. “Your puppet government ends today,” grunted Norris. “The United States of America was never meant to be under the rule of a dictating puppetmaster pulling the strings from Washington.”

Cussler sighed and rubbed his forehead. “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, Mr. Norris, there is no martial law or occupation or whatever you’re calling it this morning. Those maps are a novelty item from Archie McPhee’s and if you read a damned newspaper once in a while—“

“This is Texas, General,” shouted Gohmert. “We know what we think we know, and we know if journalists were smart enough to see through you they would write the truth!”

“Oh for God’s—hey, how did you get onto the base unannounced?”

Norris brushed his mustache as he spoke. “We took the secret tunnel from the Walmart.”

“In Midland,” added Gohmert. “The one on Midland Drive, not Interstate 20. One-point-eight miles underground and then right up in your cafeteria.”

Potboiler Cussler grinned. “You should have used the Walmart on De Zavala Road. Would have been a mile and brought you into the janitor’s closet across the hall.”

Norris leaned in on Cussler’s desk, staring the smirk off the general’s face. “Here’s what I don’t get, Potty. The president institutes secret martial law throughout the southwest, under the guise of a perfectly reasonable military exercise. Yet there’s about to be an election – which for some reason has not been cancelled even under secret martial law – but surely he must know that he’s now made it impossible for any Democrat to be elected the next president, and the first thing the new Republican president will do is rescind the occupation order. So why do it? Why did he think he would get away with it?”

The door to the janitor’s closest opened behind him. A familiar face approached.

“It was me all along,” said George Walker Bush, the 43rd President of the United States from 2001 to 2009, and the 46th Governor of Texas from 1995 to 2000, according to the internet. “I knew that if the sitting president did something that crazy, it would guarantee a substantial vote for the other side. It’s really the only way they could win, frankly.”

“But—“ said Norris.

“—How?” added Gohmert.

“On Inauguration Day, 2009. We were alone for a few minutes. I planted a post-hypnotic suggestion and then triggered it a few months ago.”

“But he served two terms,” said Gohmert. “Why not do this four years ago?”

“I really hated Romney,” Bush explained. “Besides, now my brother will win.” He attempted a little mad scientist laugh but it sounded like he was gagging on a pretzel.

“This is taking a long time to explain,” pointed out the general. “And none of it is anywhere but in your heads. Could you all leave now? There’s a group of fourth graders coming for a tour in six minutes and I have to get my speech together.”

The three leaders of the rebel alliance walked out into the bright sun and a wave of heat ripped the air-conditioned cool off their skin like a bikini wax. As one man, they put on their Ray-Bans. “Mission accomplished, gentlemen,” said Bush. “Let’s go get some Texas Tea.”

“You mean iced tea, right, Mr. President?” said Norris. “Texas tea is a euphemism for crude oil.”

They climbed into Gohmert’s waiting Vanagon and rode off to get a cool drink.